Ryden1's blog

The Last Airbender

sigh.

i really wanted this movie not to suck. i wished and crossed fingers and even did my own version of praying for it not to suck. i could have tolerated for it to suck a little, i mean, it's Shyamalan, there's gonna be some suck in there. as long as it didn't go the way of Daredevil, i would have been happy with that.

well. ok, to it's credit i could see how anyone who had not seen at least one episode of the animated series could have found that movie slightly pleasurable. it's just a good story. but even that doesn't save it from the horrendous acting. i don't care enough to look up the actors' names because i'm angry with them on a fundamental level so just go with me here.

that chick playing Katara wanted to be Michelle Trachtenberg sooo bad. aside from the fact that Michelle can act, she had the look down but the forced intensity and constant crying and general bad delivery of pretty much every line she spoke was a lot to gulp down.

Sokka was not funny at all. what happened there? why change the character's personality? Sokka is the comic relief. how could Shyamalan not know that? i also could not stop calling him Jasper and waiting for him to vamp out on Katara cuz she stank so good.

lil dude playing Aang was all right. he did a good job. i wish he'd kept the happy-go-lucky attitude he started with but i guess since they TOTALLY CHANGED WHY HE WAS IN THE BALL WHAT IS MADE OF AIR-ICE, i guess the forlorn quiet sullenness fit.

Zuko. wtf, man. wtf. the barely-there scar. the fact that he looked like Ralph Macchio pushing 30. the spiky hair. tsk tsk. he was another one with way too much intensity. Zuko was driven, not psychotic.

Iroh. i love that dude playing him, whose name i know from The Kite Runner but totally can't remember right now. he was wrong aesthetically but he had the right vibe. so kudos for that.

Yue is not worth mentioning except for the part when the Fire Nation is burning her city to the ground and she's sitting on her throne effing smirking. yeah. and weirdly she was way hotter with the white hair. where'd that 'stache come from once her stuff went black? ew.

Zhao and Ozai ...just. no. and really, Cliff Curtis is like one of my favorite actors ever but just, i don't know. everything about Ozai is sharp and hot. he's the freaking Firelord and he's a sadistic fuck. Curtis played him like an overbearing father with a greed complex. just not good enough.

there's a scene between Aang, Sokka, and Katara that looks straight out of some kid's youtube video, the acting is that bad.
Aang: here's a seriously plot point stated blatantly because apparently the people watching this film have an IQ of 12!
Sokka: omg let me expand upon your bluntly stated plot point!
Katara: i will concur with Sokka's expansion and add nothing but big eyes and feigned intensity to this conversation!
Aang: more plot points stated in an unrealistic and uncreative way!
Sokka: yes, this is the end of the plot pointing and general sequel foreshadowing, which i will also deliver in an over-exuberant way!
Katara: O_O yes.

all this is done with close ups. jebus crispy.

ok that's just the actors. but there are two gigantic things that really just raised my hackles:

1) WHY DID THEY MISPRONOUNCE EVERYTHING?? i understand that the American voiceovers probably didn't get it all right. but at this point, everyone is used to AAng and SOCKah and EYEroh. that Ung Sohka Earoh shiz is not gonna catch on. i'm surprised they didn't go so far as to say Ape-ah. stop it, Shyamalan. stop that shit right now. *slap*

2) where. the hell. was Koyzilla.

Spirit-ocean

that would have been the saving grace for this crapfest. i just wanted to see some angry ocean spirit ass-kicking. did i get that? no. i got Huge Emo Wave of Emo. granted, the shot of Aang holding the emo wave in the Avatar state was pretty freaking cool but it wasn't as cool as Koyzilla.

and couple honorable mentions; Kyoshi warriors. there were none. lame. Firebenders not being able to create fire. hella lame. Appa being in like .04 scenes. hella mega lame. the loooooooooong drawn out kung fu bending moves. super hella mega lame. (by the time they were done doing all that shiz, they could been hit like 80 times) this movie needs reboot already.

there's more. i just don't have the impetus to complain about it anymore. i almost hated this movie as much as Wolverine Origins. and that's a lot of hate. alllllmost. ultimately, this movie sucked slimy rocks. bad acting, effed up story with crappy pacing and the cool graphics aren't enough to save it. save your money. watch the series on Nickelodeon.

Ponyo: A Horror Story

i just On-demanded Ponyo to watch with the fam and a weird thing happened in my head while we watched it. i had this strange dual understanding thing going on. this movie is stunning. in fact, it’s so pretty you can easily see how creepy it is.

on one level, i saw a film that was aesthetically beautiful with a story about innocence, trust, acceptance, and love. essentially, Sosuke saves Ponyo’s life and she loves him for it. The film is careful never to say what kind of love it is, only that it is love and that’s the best part. it doesn’t matter if they are in love with each other, love each other like siblings, or love each other as best friends; they love each other. that’s enough.

on the other level; i was totally disturbed by this movie.

first, Ponyo hates her father, who is a neurotic underslept pseudo-human who despises other humans. and her mother seems to be rather absentee.

second, Sosuke’s family is hella dysfunctional. his dad lies to his mom all the time and his work is more important than his family. this is something Sosuke’s mother is furious about but later demonstrates by leaving Sosuke and Ponyo - 5-year olds, mind you - at home. alone. in the middle of a tsunami. so she can go fuck with some old people. what.?!&

third, what i heard when Ponyo’s parents finally get together to talk about how the WORLD IS COMING TO AN END OMG THE MOON IS HUGE AND FUCKING SHIT UP WALL OF OCEAN GODDAMN is:

neurotic dad: damn baby, it’s been a while. your kid is messing with shiz. i can’t deal.

mermaid mom: chilllllll. jus’ be mellow.

neurotic dad: no fer reals, she’s running around human and did idkw with my elixirs and all hellz is breaking loose.

mermaid mom: omg u no wut?! we could totally get rid of her if we convince that brat she’s with to say he loves her. here’s the plan; you hold all the people the brat loves captive under the water and i’ll guilttrip the mom into taking her off our hands. this will be epic.

neurotic dad: …er … …. .. ok.

yeah. at the same time i was picking up the whole Mom Accepts Her As She Is thing, i was hearing that, up there, too. it was wacky.

i didn’t like that Ponyo almost died like a hundred times, either. what the heck. or that maybe the love they were so keen on could be that of a little boy and his effing pet, which kinda makes the story sick and dirty considering she turned herself into a human for him.

i’m probably the only person in the world who saw that shit but …i still saw it. i also saw the innocence and the light brightness of it. the happiness. it is a movie that leaves you smiling at the end, whether Ponyo turns out to be Sosuke’s pet or his wife.

so, there’s that.

perhaps this is old meme...s

other movies: Shutter, Marvelous, Deadliest Catch, Dragon Sword, Ogre, The Omen, Grendel

perhaps this is old meme, but i think it sounds like fun. will i do it? no, because i'm lazy. i will look at all the non-lazy people's massive quantities of creativity.

i played hooky from work for three days and watched numerous great movies, the first being Lucky Number Slevin. i've been meaning to watch it forever now and just never got around to it. so yesterday i took advantage of the fact that i pay an obscene amount of money for premium movie channels that let me watch certain flicks "on demand".

what i liked:

Bruce Willis. i love that he's going all creepy with his roles. Goodcat was cold as ice, man, and totally believable.
Lucy Liu. how could you not fall in love with her character? she was sharp as a tack and cute as a button while still being innocent and sexy.
Ben Kingsley. he can do everything omigod.
Morgan Freeman. not that he did anything all that exciting with his role, but because Freeman is always solid no matter what he does; he is great at playing himself playing a guy like "this".
the story. ok, yeah, i had most of it figured out before the end of the first half but that didn't deter me from watching the rest of the film unlike The Illusionist, which was painful after 30 minutes. i knew what was going to happen but i wanted to see it anyway. the acting was really well done. it was shot and edited well. had great pace and action.

what i didn't like:

Josh Hartnett pretending to be Brad Pitt via Ocean's 11/12/13 throughout the whole entire film. what? did Brad say no to this script or what? cuz, jesus Josh, it was so obvious and kinda annoying. i forgive you though, because you gave me 20 minutes of you in a nothing but a towel.

then after frying my brain with a History channel show about the Arc of the Covenant, i watched Resident Evil 3: Extinction.

*pause*

why do these Resident Evil movies not suck? please explain this to me because you know what, they should. they really should. but they don't. at all. anywhere. is it just the power that is Milla? (mmmm Meeeeelaaaaah...) what? what is it what is it what is it? i cannot figure out why they don't stink up a room like Final Fantasy or Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter or Doom or Silent Hill -- actually Silent Hill was pretty good so scratch that. the plot is solid. the acting is solid. the action is solid. you aren't bored through any of those flicks. they aren't too bloody. no big sex scenes. THEY ARE FREAKING ZOMBIE MOVIES. why do they not suck????????

don't get me wrong, i love a good zombie flick like the next guy, but most of us know how those movies are gonna be: low budget, one or two serious plot holes, semi-rancid acting, someone gets axed while making it, hack and slash and braaaaaainsss braaaaaaainnnssss. the really good ones will have an ode to Night of the Living Dead or Re-animator in there somewhere. but isn't that why we love them? they are not Quality Movies, they are Entertaining Movies. they're fun.

Resident Evil just breaks that all to shit, dunnit. not only is there a hottie as the main character but she's smart and fully clothed and a total physical and mental bad ass. the supporting cast reprises all their roles and even with the subtraction of Jill Valentine and the addition of Claire Redfield/Ali Larter (whose acting i despise. yes, even in Heroes), they worked their end of it well. the story doesn't leave anything hanging or as Annie from Misery liked to say, they didn't "cheat" and everyone who was dead stayed effing dead and people who got bit eventually turned into zombies. there was no prejudice there. the cgi was rad. i love how the Umbrella base is consistently shown in blue-print form as you sink into the ground. now, i never played the video game, but i have feeling that part is straight out of that. very cool.

QotD: Act the Fool

Share a story of a time you acted foolishly.

you know what? the sad thing is i act stupid every day. not on purpose, mind you... most of the time. some of the time. ok like, maybe half of a third of part of the time. anyhoo, i usually come in and do some thing weird for my staff so they don't continue to sit there and contemplate ways in which to h-bomb our agency. cuz they do that. seriously. they told me. tried to bring me into the fold. i regrettably declined. i do cartwheels to my office or sit under someone's desk and steal things from them while they're not looking. like that stapler that Lori just had. where'd it go? where'd it go? hahahaahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaacough. i will call them from my office and breathing heavily into the phone, knowing that they can hear me perfectly from where they sit and also have caller id. i sign their timesheets "Alex P. Keaton". if they answer the phone as i'm walking by, i disconnect the call. just *plink* and keep walking. hehehe ok i don't do that. but i want to.

a trelliswork of copper

usually if you say happy April Fool's day to me or play any sort of insipid prank or, you know, enjoy this day at all, i maim you. but this is actually pretty freaking funny.

unfortunately, i haven't had time to watch anything good (last month's Knight Rider remake does NOT count as good). so instead of ranting and raving and cursing about movies, i will rant and rave and curse about comic books. in my quest to read all things Deadpool, i've gotten up to #11 in his series and almost choked to death laughing while i read it.

basically, Wade and Blind Al get thrown back in time because Doorman (from the Great Lakes Avengers) activates his teleporter at the same time Deadpool does, both of them trying to save Blind Al. DP and Al are sent to the early days of Spiderman (circa 1967) and have a grand ole time futzing with the space/time continuum. Wade uses his image inducer to pose as Peter and makes up Al to look like Aunt May after they knock her unconscious and he sends Spidey on a wild goose chase in Jersey. In the present, Weasel works with the GLA to get them both back. hilarity ensues.

it's hysterical how they poke fun at the GLA and all of the Spidey cast. here. look. at. the. funny. fergit that. i know i'm not supposed to do this, but there are just too many funny pages. here's the whole thing. knock yourselves out.

see how i like to pretend someone is reading this. ha ha hardy har.

neverwhere

when i read something and really really really love it, i cast it. i have done this for as long as i can remember. this is why i want to be a casting director. it makes sense dunnit.

so i finished reading Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere and after the initial depression that seeps in when i finish a good book wore off and even though i know there's already been a tv miniseries of it made, i've cast most of the major parts for my pretend movie. will these people ever play these parts? prolly not. but something in me feels better by saying i want them too, so, here you go. humor me.

Richard Mayhew played by Cillian Murphy

Door played by Ellen Page

The Marquis de Carabas played by Will Smith

Hunter played by Gina Torres

Mr. Croup played by Kenneth Branagh

Mr. Vandemar played by Javier Bardem

or Vincent Cassel

Old Bailey played by Ian Holm

The Angel Islington played by Jason Lewis

Jessica played by Mia Kirshner

Serpentine played by Famke Janssen

Gary played by Robert Pattinson

The Earl of Earl's Court played by John Rhys-Davies

The Abbott (Black Friars) played by Doug Bradley

Hammersmith played by James Gandolfini

Lamia played by Monica Bellucci

Anesthesia played by Kristin Bell

and i want to give this guy a part but i don't know who i want him to be...

also, am i a dork for thinking this is full of radness? --> http://www.flatlandthemovie.com/

wow. this is unbelievable: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Byford_Dolphin

after waiting almost two years for it to be released, i finally watched Sunshine the other day and have decided that it is one of my favorite movies. i love that you don't know what sort of space movie it is until the very end and even then it's a combination. everyone does a fantastic job acting in this film, but Chris Evans is damn fantastic. the flicks only shortfall is that the beginning, with the introduction of the crew members, is a little confusing but it seemed to me to be an editing issue rather than an acting issue. i love that there was in depth scientific research done so this film would be as viable as possible (i mean...for a sci fi flick. they're going to the SUN. shut up.). i love that there's a point in which you realize what's inevitable. i love that there are several different types of characters and none of them are doing what they're doing for the obvious reasons. i love that the surprises of this flick are like, "WHOA." surprises. i love that it's subtle and strong and really, really beautiful. it was everything i had hoped it would be. if you get a chance, see this movie.

that's all.

dye a frag um

i downloaded Caligula because i wanted to watch pr0n without the guilt of watching pr0n. i was so all about that last night. i have a total soft spot for Malcolm McDowell. but this flick, damn. i could only make it through 40 minutes of it before giving up and going to bed. there's nekkid butt-writhing all over the place, yeah, so i got my pr0n, but the acting is horrendous. i wanted Malcolm dead ten minutes in. i was all, "oh, KILL that whiny bastard, Tiberius. kill him dead." because, seriously, he was whiny. i understand that he is supposed to be Very Young but so was Tut and i don't remember anything about him being a fucking brat. that's all subjective. still, it was annoying.

eventually i will muster the canastas and the time to watch the rest of it and hopefully it will get better further in. father in. um. whatever. later on in the movie. there.

pari passu

i just had a bidding war on ebay for some fucking moon sand.

i'm going to crawl under my desk and take a nap but first i have to spin around in my chair a little bit.

wheeeeee

ok.

head. ache.

this was me like ten seconds ago.

how come people don't remember that anthony perkins was HAWT?

i feel like i'm made of dead.

all right. i admit it. i laughed. but still. why, god? why?---> http://www.alltrailers.net/meet-the-spartans.html

i have to pee. you needed to know that. ok. bye.

we toss our failures at the earth

i did something incredibly stupid by watching The Pursuit of Happyness. twice i thought i was going to throw up because i just couldn't take all the emotion. there's a mantra that starts up about half way in; "please let something good happen. please let something good happen. please let something good happen."

that's a fantastic film. utterly and completely and you know what, Will Smith should have won the goddamn Oscar for that movie. but don't watch it if you aren't happy. it will make you kill yourself (or want to) through most of the film. it's just so very good. i'll probably write more about this when i feel less like taking a nap in a river.

a poem on the underground wall

i am always surprised at how well Sandra Bullock played a bitch in Crash.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=YD1LTa9J1DQ